Welcome to the Galactic Dating Game
by JadeShadow
Summary: Pretty self-explanatory. Several Star Wars characters appear on the latest Dating Game...
1. Default Chapter

A/N: I was inspired by Fred, George and Lee's Harry Potter Dating Game, and thus concocted the Galactic Dating Game! Here we go!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am broke. I don't feel like writing a disclaimer for every episode so just remember that I am not getting paid for this.

C-3PO: Greetings. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. I have no script, as it has been programmed into my head. However, yesterday I underwent an upgrade and seemed to misplace my script programming. At the moment I am still unable to remember what it was I forgot. What was it? *distantly* Oh dear, I can't remember…

Behind the Scenes Dude (BTSD): Somebody cue the teleprompter!

C-3PO: What's a teleprompter? I don't seem to have that word in my vocabulary, and I am fluent in over six million forms of communication.

BTSD: Oh for crying out loud, droid! Just read the words that are scrolling across the screen!

C-3PO: Huh? Oh, now I see. Ahem. Er-wait, they're scrolling too fast! Start over! *waits* There, that's better. Welcome to the Galactic Dating Game. Let's bring out our first bachelorette, Mara Jade!

*Mara walks out*

Mara:  Hold on. I'm not a bachelorette.

C-3PO *ignoring her*: And now, our first bachelor! He's a smuggler with a taste for information and exotics! Please welcome Talon Karrde!

Audience Member: HEY! That's my wife!

Talon *confused*: What? That's impossible! I'm not even married!

Mara: Luke, calm down. It's just a little date. I'm getting paid big bucks for this.

Luke: Really?

Mara *wondering why she married such an idiot*: Yes, dear. I'll even give you two percent if you'll sit down and shut up.

Luke *complacently*: Oh, okay.

C-3PO: Ahem. Now, our second bachelor! He's a snubfighter jockey from Corellia with a taste for _ryshcate_! Let's hear it for Corran Horn!

Mara: Corran? Aren't you married?

Corran: Yeah, but Booster and Karrde have a bet going. Mirax wouldn't want to deny her father of the pleasure of watching his son-in-law be humiliated, would she?

C-3PO: AHEM. And now, our surprise bachelor number three. The beloved -err, I mean the hated, twisted leader of our New Republic, the ambitious Bothan who betrayed Yavin IV to the Yuuzhan Vong, let's have lots of boos for Borsk Fey'lya! *turning to BTSD; undertone* Who came up with that?!

*Borsk walks out, audience boos.*

Borsk *scowling*: There's no need to thank me.

C-3PO: Okay, quiet! Now, as this is the first time anything like this has ever been attempted in this galaxy, I guess I have to explain the rules. *undertone* What do you mean, I guess? *normal voice* Ahem. Now, our lovely bachelorette will ask our each one of our bachelors a different question. They will answer as honestly as possible, for as we all know, politicians *starts reading one-syl-la-ble-at-a-time* have-the-in-a-bil-i-ty-to-tell-the-truth. *normal voice* Then she will pick a bachelor and they will go on a date. So, Mara, ask away!

Mara *reading cards*: Uh, okay. Bachelor number one, if you had complete control of the galaxy, would you become Emperor or turn it over to the New Republic? Who wrote this?

Talon: Well, considering there would BE no New Republic, I'd probably form my own Republic and stay head of it until I couldn't take it any more. Then I'd run off and retire. And I didn't write the question.

Mara *annoyed*: I know that. Erm, oh yeah, more questions. Great. Corran, where would you take me on a date?

Corran *grinning*: Well, knowing you, I'd take you out to a nice quiet romantic restaurant…

Mara *sarcastically*: Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Corran *continuing*: Then I'd have some sort of enemy pop out and let you take him, it, them, her, out. If you still weren't happy, I'd bring up three Yuuzhan Vong for you to pulverize.

Luke *distantly*: Those thoughts are not of the Light, Corran…..

Mara *grinning broadly*: Corran, you do know me…that would be the correct answer! Anyway, Bachelor Number Three, do you think the rest of the galaxy should revere and honor you?

Borsk: No duh. However, given the "loud cheering" I received at the beginning, I doubt the rest of the galaxy shares my view.

Mara: Since when has ANYBODY shared your view?

C-3PO *hurriedly, spotting nasty looks on Borsk and Mara's face*: And that's it for the first half of the show. And now a word from our sponsors.

*Ad person appears, dragging in Luke*

AP: Here, promote your stupid Jedi cause.

Luke *accepting microphone, looking nervous*: Err, okay…well, where's the music?

Mara *backstage for coffee, watching a broadcaster, whispering*: Oh no Luke, please don't, don't sing, oh no oh no…

Luke *terribly tone-deaf*: Oh I'm a Jeeeedddiiiiiiiii, a wonderful Jediiiiiiahiiii. I suuuport the wooooooonddderfuuuuuuahuuul Coode given-to-me-by-the-Jeeediiiiiahiiiii-Maaaaastersssss.

Ad person *covering ears*: Ahhh! Please stop! Please! I'll do anything! *moans in pain, along with audience*

C-3PO *hurriedly*: NOW BACK TO THE SHOW. *Luke is dragged offstage* Ahem. Now for the second half of the Galactic Dating Game!! This is the part where Mara asks three final questions, then picks her date!

Mara *undertone*: Do I have to? *normal voice* Okay, Talon, here's your question, and it's really stupid. If you owned a smuggling operation, would you kill all your underlings…what does that have to do with anything? Did Ackbar write these questions or something?!

Talon *rolling eyes*: No, I would not and have not killed all my underlings…I don't understand why anyone would do a stupid thing like that, anyway….I don't know what this has to do with anything…and I think someone high up in the Republic arranged this….

Mara: NEXT. Corran, errr…oh Sithspawn! I can't ask this!

Corran: Heh-heh. You don't have to, you know…

C-3PO: Yes, she does. Come on people, we have a time limit here!

Mara *gulping, performing Jedi relaxation techniques*: Ummmm, okay. Um, Corran…would you…would you…*voice fades*

Corran: Would I what?

Mara *blushing*: Oh, good grief. Corran, if you took me on a date, would you try to make a, err, how can I phrase this nicely, move on me after the first three hours.

Corran *undertone*: If you were drunk enough and not married…*normal voice* Err, no, unless you made the first move.

Mara: WHAT?! Why you little-never mind. Fey'lya, if you were a Bothan-what?-if you were a Bothan, who would you rather be like, Asyr Sei'lar or Borsk Fey'lya?

Borsk *sarcastically*: Gee, I dunno…Asyr.

Mara: Really? Maybe there's more to you than what meets the eye…

Borsk: No, you idiot, I was being sarcastic. I would much rather be like me, of course.

Mara: And just as I was thinking about asking you out….

Borsk: You can't do that!

Mara: Uh, yeah I can.

C-3PO *drowning out Mara and Borsk's arguing*: Ahem. Bachelorette, it's time to make your choice….

Mara: What? Oh, yeah. *shoots Fey'lya a nasty look* Well, I gotta say, this was too easy. *turning to Karrde* Karrde, you're my favorite former employer, but I'm afraid I'll risk Shada's wrath by asking you out. *turns to Fey'lya, then thinks about it, and turns away from him* I pick Corran to go on my date, but that's only because if I go out with Fey'lya he'd have the show canceled and then Han and Leia would have to put up with Threepio 24/7. At least this way, the droid is out of their way for a few hours a week.

Corran: So I won?

Mara: I guess.

C-3PO: Splendid! Now, you go get ready for your date. Tune in next week, folks to find out how the date went! And to see next week's contestants, with one brand new bachelorette and three new bachelors!

*Show ends, theme music begins, credits start running*

C-3PO *turning to BTSD*: Next week, I'M doing the teleprompter.


	2. Episode II: Attack of the Sand Chick

A/N: Please please please please PLEASE review!

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine.

C-3PO: Hello again and welcome to the Galactic Dating Game! With our host *stops and reads teleprompter* me! *turns to BTSD* This is not what I wrote!

BTSD: Who gave you a say in anything?

C-3PO: And now, before we begin our show, we welcome the happy couple from last week, Corran Horn and Mara Jade!

*Mara and Corran walk out*

C-3PO: So, how did it go?

Mara: Well, it was, um, nice.

Corran: Yeah. Nice.

C-3PO *sparing time for a momentary "glare" at BTSD and the teleprompter before continuing*: Don't you want to tell the juicy details.

Mara *blushing*: Ah no thank you.

C-3PO: You have to, otherwise the ratings on the show will go down and I'll be stuck with Leia 24/7.

Mara *hastily*: We went to dinner and had a good time.

BTSD *whispering loudly*: Is that it?

Corran: YES. Now leave us alone.

C-3PO: Why do I get the feeling you're lying.

Mara: Come on, Corran. *grabs Corran and drags him offstage*

C-3PO: Well, it's time to introduce our latest contestants. First, our bachelorette. She's a Jedi from Tatooine who thinks shoes were invented by the Sith! Let's give it up for Tahiri Veila!

*Tahiri walks onstage*

Tahiri: Is Anakin one of the contestants?  

C-3PO *ignoring Tahiri*: And here comes Bachelor Number One! He's a snubfighter jockey from Corellia with a taste for _ryshcate_! Let's hear it for…Jacen Solo? Wait, he's not from Corellia….

*Jacen walks onstage*

Jacen: My father's Corellian, that's close enough.

Tahiri: Jacen? Where's Anakin? Do you even like _ryshcate_?

Jacen: Not really.

C-3PO: Ahem. The next contestant is yet another snubfighter jockey from Corellia with a taste for _ryshcate_! Let's give it up for Wedge Antilles! *turns to BTSD* Somebody here has no imagination….

*Wedge walks onstage*

Jacen: Wedge?

Wedge: Jacen? Are you even a snubfighter jockey?

Tahiri: Where's Anakin?

C-3PO: And finally, Bachelor #3! He's a *starts talking monotonously* snubfighter jockey from Corellia with a taste for _ryshcate_. *normal voice* Thracken Sal-Solo!

Wedge and Jacen: _THRACKEN?!?!_

Tahiri: Aren't you that Centerpoint guy? Is Anakin not on this episode? Is everyone else here over fifteen?

C-3PO: Yes, yes, and yes. Now, everyone knows the rules, so let's play the Galactic Dating Game! *spins seat around and points to Tahiri* Ask away…girlfriend? What?

Tahiri: I am _not_ your girlfriend. Okay, Bachelor-Jacen-Bachelor-Jacen-Jacen, here's question number one: If you were to get me flowers, what kind would they be?

Jacen: I'd get you those giant, man-eating flowers from Kashyyyk, so Anakin would be miserable until he followed _my_ definition of being a Jedi.

Tahiri *nervously backing away from Jacen*: Okaaaaay. *muttering under breath* I hope they get you first. *normal voice* Um, Mr.-General-Mr.-General-

Wedge: Just Wedge, please.

Tahiri: Why are all the contestants over twenty?

Jacen *injured voice*: I'm not.

Tahiri *giving him a dirty look*: Jacen, there is absolutely no way I would pick you, so you're just out of the running.

Jacen: Well I-

C-3PO: AHEM. Can we get back to the show, people?

Tahiri: Oh, yes. Wedge, if we were going out, would you *squints, frowns, then shrugs* a) take a shower, dress nicely, and wear lots of cologne, b) take a shower, dress nicely, and wear a little cologne or c) come pick me up late, holding a bunch of pretty flowers, and hoping it's dark enough that I won't notice that you look like a total slob.

Wedge: Dang, that's complicated. Er, I'll take choice b, I guess.

Tahiri: Whoa, you're correct! That just blows my mind!

Wedge: Thank you, thank you very much.

Tahiri: Okay, last question for this half of the show. Um, Mr. Really Evil Dude aka Thracken Sal-Solo-

Thracken: Well excuuuse me.

Tahiri *innocently*: What? What'd I do?

Thracken: You're lucky I'm not a Yuuzhan Vong.

Tahiri: Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention it, but I have an alternate identity which turns me into Riina Kwaad, a Yuuzhan Vong with the ability to use the Force. Would you go on a date with me?

Thracken: No!

Tahiri: Oh, okay. Well, I've asked all the questions. *turns to C-3PO* Isn't it time for the coffee break?

C-3PO: Yes. Er, now a-

Thracken *interrupting*: What? You didn't even ask me the question!

C-3PO *ignoring Thracken*: NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSERS.

*Ad person comes out, contestants leave*

Ad person: Do your Bothan roommates get on your nerves? Do you have the crazy urge to force Wookies to perform slave labor? Do you wish to take over the Twi'leks and have them mine ryll for the rest of their days-so you get to live in the lap of luxury? Do you have the deep, natural instinct to destroy the Jedi and resurrect the Sith? Do you like the color gray? If so, you need to hightail it out of the New Republic and head over to **_The Imperial Remnant_**! *trumpets* Here, in a small, out-of-the-way section of space, our Great and Wonderful Admiral Pellaeon-

*BTSD rushes out*

BTSD: Gack! Who hired you?

Ad person *consults piece of paper pulled from pocket*: Some guy called Thrawn.

Everyone: **_THRAWN!?!?_**

****

Ad person: Yeah, I know. I thought it was a weird name, too.

BTSD: But he's dead!

Ad person: Who? Thrawn? That's funny, because he's one of next week's contestants.

BTSD: WHAT?!?

Ad person: Don't ask me, you're the one who arranges all this. *Crumples paper up and tosses it in the air. Walks offstage*

BTSD *looking sheepish*: Oh, that must be that Mith'rawn'do guy. Heh-heh. Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, I assure you that Thrawn will not be appearing next week. Heh-heh. *slinks offstage*

*Soap commercial starts*

Tahiri *backstage talking to Thracken*: Are you even a snubfighter jockey?

Thracken: No, but I was expecting some hot chick in her mid twenties to be the bachelorette, and I figured that sounded the best on my resume. 

Wedge: Jacen? You don't like _ryshcate_….

Jacen: Uh, well, someone told me that….*trails off, looking embarrassed*

Tahiri *grinning*: Told you what?

Jacen *blushing*: Danikeewobondasho

Everyone else: Huh?

Jacen: Danni Quee would be on the show.

*Danni walks up; Jacen looks sick*

Danni: Huh? I thought I heard my name….

Tahiri: Danni?

Danni: I'm on next week.

*Tahiri grins evilly; Jacen mutters something that sound suspiciously like "Giant, man-eating flowers…."*

BTSD *still sheepish*: We're back on in thirty seconds.

*Contestants go on stage*

C-3PO: Welcome back to the Galactic Dating Game! We're here with Tahiri Veilar, our bachelorette, who is about to ask the second set of questions! Go get 'em, girlfriend! *looks puzzled*

Tahiri: Ahem, I believe I said I am _not_ your girlfriend. Anyway, Jacen, here's your last question: Would you, or would you not, get me flowers.

Jacen *looking dreamy*: Giant, man-eating flowers….

Tahiri: That's nice….Wedge? If you didn't want to go out with me after our first date, how would you tell me?

Wedge: I'd give you lots of flowers then say *striking dramatic pose* "Tahiri, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can continue this relationship. You are a wonderful, creative girl, and I am just blown away by your excellence. I would love to ask you out again, but my wife would kill me."

Tahiri *gazing at him dreamily*: Oh Wedge, you're so romantic….

C-3PO *Wedge looking rather nervous*: Tahiri?

Tahiri: Huh? Oh, yeah. I've made my decision!

Thracken: What? You didn't even ask me a question!

Tahiri: Yes I did. I asked you if you'd go on a date with me. You said no. Therefore I will not pick you *she misses Wedge's look of horror and mutter of "Oh, Sithspit"* because you said no.

Thracken: Aw, dang.

Tahiri: Anyway, I pick (drumroll, please) *audience starts drumming on the floor* Thank you. I pick…Wedge Antilles!

Jacen *to Thracken*: We never stood a chance. *to Wedge* Good luck, and carry a yslamiri when she's not around.

Wedge *looking sick*: Why?

Jacen *grinning*: In case my brother shows up.

Wedge: Sithspit!

C-3PO: Well, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for watching the Galactic Dating Game! Tune in next week to find out how the date with Tahiri and Wedge went! And maybe we'll get more out of Corran and Mara. And tune in because it will be different next week! So there!

*Lights dim, theme music starts, credits start rolling*


	3. Episode III: They Haven't Come Out With ...

Disclaimer: NOT MINE.

C-3PO: Yes, it's that time of the week again…well, that made no sense…Ahem. Let me start over. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the third episode of the Galactic Dating Game! With your host, C-3PO! *waits for applause* That would be me.

*No applause*

BTSD: The light is broken.

C-3PO: Ah. Anyway, before we bring out our next bachelorette, let's-

Audience member: Sir? There's a crowd of about one hundred Yuuzhan Vong out there.

C-3PO: What? Yuuzhan Vong? Preposterous!

*Yuuzhan Vong walks in*

Yuuzhan Vong: Droids are abominations. *Picks up blaster and shoots; hole appears in middle of C-3PO's head* Bye-bye droids. Heh-heh. *walks away*

*BTSD rushes out, followed by technician*

BTSD: Aw dang! It'll take weeks to fix this!

Technician: Let's see, who can we find on such a short notice that would be stupid enough to take this job without pay.

*Lightbulbs appear over heads; guys grin evilly and crack knuckles*

BTSD: And now for a short break.

Ad person: Hey! I don't have any commercials!

Audience member II: Make something up!

Ad person: Uh, okay! Um, everybody go see Cats and Dogs! It's, uh, really good! Yeah! And go pick up a cat! Yeah! Cuz cats are, uh, cool! Yeah! And then go buy the soundtrack!

Audience member II: That wasn't what I had in mind….

*BTSD and Technician come in*

BTSD: Okay, people! Take two!  
  


*Lights dim; theme music starts; deep voice starts talking*

Deep Voice (DV): And now, welcome to The Galactic Dating Game! With your host….

Host: Hidie-ho! Meesa Jar-Jar Binks! Meesa your humble servant!

Audience member III: Oh, Force.

Jar-Jar: What meesa doin now?

DV: Let's welcome last week's contestants, Tahiri Veila and Wedge Antilles!

*Wedge and Tahiri walk on*

Jar-Jar *squinting trying to understand the teleprompter*: What? Meesa no read Basic.

BTSD: DV?

DV: Fine. How are you? How was your date?

Tahiri *sighing*: Oh, it was so romantic.

Wedge *smiling tightly*: Yes, very nice.

DV: C'mon, don't you want to explicit the details? Is that grammatically correct?

Tahiri: Well, Wedge took me to dinner, and then-

Wedge *cutting in*: We had a nice time. *Tahiri shoots an annoyed glare that is quickly replaced by her glazed over "oh it was so romantic" look* Oh, yeah, it's "to tell the explicit details," I think.

DV: Fine. Bye.

Wedge: Great! *grabbing Tahiri and dragging her offstage* C'mon, I'll get you an ice cream…

Tahiri: Great! *walks away with Wedge, smiling*

Jar-Jar: Whatsa now?

BTSD *talking slowly*: Say, "Hi. Wel-come. To. The. Gal-ac-tic. Da-t-ing. Game. Here. Is. This. Week-'s. Con-tes-tan-ts.

Jar-Jar: Hidie-ho! Yousa here at the Gatic Dat ing game. Heresa are de con-con-con

DV *Jar-Jar in background, trying to say "contestants"*: This week's bachelorette is Danni Quee! She pretty, she's blonde, and Jacen Solo is madly in love with her!

*Danni walks onstage; smiles prettily*

Danni: I just adore my blonde hair, don't you?

*Loud thud as all males hit the floor except for Jar-Jar, who is still trying to say "contestants"*

DV *breathing heavily, trying not to drool*: Oh, yes, and our first bachelor! This week, our bachelors will not know who the bachelorette is and vice versa. So, come out, sir…hide behind the curtain…

*Qui-Gon Jinn walks onstage and uses the Force to disguise his voice*

Qui-Gon: Hello.

Danni: Such a handsome, deep voice…

DV: OK, come on out, bachelor number two. *A/N: The audience can see the bachelors as well as Danni*

*Luke Skywalker walks onstage, uses the Force for his voice*

Luke *high, squeaky, singsong voice*: Hello.

Danni: Uhhhhhhh…

DV: And number three…

*Gavin Darklighter walks onstage; is handed an electronic voice scrambler, sets that to a frequency*

Gavin: Hello. You want to date me.

Danni: Oooo, I like…

DV: OK, ask away!

Danni: Oh, right. Um, Number One-is it okay if I just call you people One, Two, and Three?

Bachelors: Sure.

Danni: OK. One, do you have any kids?

Qui-Gon: Err, I don't think so, but there's this kid I found on Tatooine who has a very strong resemblance to me…it's…disturbing…

Danni: But you're not married.

Qui-Gon: No.

Danni: Do I want to know? OK, Two, are you married?

Luke: Yeah. But my wife was on here, so…

Danni *under breath*: Ohmigosh is that you, Master Skywalker? *normal voice* Um, Three…

Gavin: Yes?

Danni: Is your name Jacen?

Gavin: Is that the question? But no, it isn't.

Danni *breathing sigh of relief*: OK, umm…*reads question*. Why are there so many *music starts* songs about rainbows?

Luke *cutting in, in his "singing" voice*: And whaaaaauhaaat's on the oooooahooother siiiiiiiiiyiyiyiyide…

Danni: GACK! PLEASE STOP!

Gavin: Is that the question?

Danni: NO.

Gavin: Good. I haven't heard any songs about rainbows.

Qui-Gon *mocking Luke*: Aaaaeeeaaaand whaaaat's ooooooouhooon theeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeee ooother siiiiyiyiyide.

Luke: Oh yeah? Biiiiig girlsssss, do-on't criyiyi-

Danni: SHUT UP.

Luke & Qui-Gon: Sorry.

Danni: Three, I'll just assume you chose the right answer. I need that coffee break. 

BTSD *whispering to Jar-Jar*: And. Now. A. Short. Break.

Jar-Jar: And now weesa gonna sitsa heresa and watch some inf-info-inf-

BTSD: DV?

DV: Infomercials.

*Ad person walks out; Danni and Bachelors leave*

Ad person: An infomercial? Um, wash your hands, people. And brush your teeth. And this is what Aretha Franklin *sp?* sounds like singing "Respect." *music plays, Ad person waits* This is what you sound like:

Recording *off-key*: Whaaaaat yoooooooo waaant, babe I got it…

Ad person *waits a moment*: DON'T SING LIKE THAT. *muttering* What can I put in there to make it official? Oh, yeah. *normal voice* Surgeon General's Warning: Singing like that is harmful to everyone's hearing. Now, watch this excerpt from _Cats and Dogs_….

*Backstage*

Gavin: Hey, Skywalker, you don't seem yourself.

Luke: Well, see, I'm not Luke.

Others: Huh?

Luke: Don't worry about it.

*Separate room*

Danni: Jacen? Are you not one of the contestants?

Jacen: Nope. *looks downcast, then brightens* But I got a job in your department, so we'll be close together….*walks off*

Danni: Maybe I can convince the winner to marry me….Too bad this isn't _Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire_…I really wanted to be on that….

BTSD: Ten Seconds, People!

*Everyone goes back onstage*

Jar-Jar: What meesa sayin?

BTSD: Uh, Hi, welcome back, go ahead, Danni, I don't know!

Jar-Jar: Uh, Hey-di-ho, weesa back! Now yousa go, Missy-girl, I dunno!

Danni: Riiiiiiiiiiiight…uh, One, do you often stray off the beaten path?

Qui-Gon: There is no beaten path.

Danni: So you don't stray off it?

Qui-Gon: I never said that.

Danni: Forget it. Two, you said you were married, right?

Luke: Yeah.

Danni: Is your wife…*reads card, mutters very quietly "a player? I can't ask him that…"* *makes up* stricken with a deadly disease that affects her molecular structure?

Luke: Yes, as a matter of fact, she was, until a couple books ago.

Danni: Uhhhhhhhhhh…books?

Luke: Yeah! Aren't you keeping up with the Star Wars Expanded Universe?

Danni: No…

Luke: Hey, you want my extra copy of _The Truce at Bakura_?

Danni: Not really.

Luke: Good. I only have five copies.

Danni: NEXT. Three, are you married?

Gavin: Yep. Was that the question on the card?

Danni: Nope. But I've made my decision.

Jar-Jar *after listening to prompt from BTSD*: Really?

Danni: Yep. Bachelor number one, you're the only non-married member of the group. Therefore, I choose you! Will you marry me?

Qui-Gon: Uh, sure.

*Curtains draw away; contestants see each other*

Danni: Whoa. I picked a hunk.

Qui-Gon: A Jedi hunk.

Luke: Well, I'm actually Thrawn, but I didn't think I'd win, anyway. Luke will be on next week, people.

Gavin: You're Thrawn?

Thrawn/Luke: Yep. Bye. *disappears*

Others: Hey, how'd he do that?

Danni: Oh well. C'mon, One-

Qui-Gon: Qui-Gon Jinn, Danni.

Danni *drooling*: Let's go off to the section of Coruscant called "Las Let's-have-a-Lando-Calrissian-impersonater-preside-at-our-wedding."

DV: Actually, there's a wedding chapel right next door. I understand Tahiri and Wedge went there after their stage appearance; so did Mara and Corran last week. It's getting lots of money.

Danni: Cool!

Qui-Gon: If she wasn't so beautiful, I'd kill myself.

Danni: Bye! *smiles flirtatiously again* I just love my blonde hair, don't you?

*Loud thud as all males except Qui-Gon, who is leaving a large trail of drool as he leaves the stage, hit the floor*

DV: Tune in next week to see how the honeymoon went!


	4. Episode IV: A New Honeymoon

The Galactic Dating Game: Episode IV-A New Honeymoon

Jar-Jar: Hi-ho there, Kermit the Frog here, reporting live from Sesame Street…

BTSD: Whoa, whoa. Is that what the teleprompter says?

Jar-Jar: No, meesa just talking like that green guy next door…weesa be friends, maybe.

BTSD *muttering*: Yeah, right. DV?

DV: Yes, I'm back. Ahem. Welcome, everyone, to Episode IV of the Galactic Dating Game! Before our next Bachelorette comes out, let's welcome last week's couple, Qui-Gon Jinn and Danni Quee!

*Qui-Gon and Danni walk onstage, holding hands, slightly tipsy*

Jar-Jar: Ummm, so, howsa was it?

Danni *giggling, hiccupping*: It was-_hic_-very-_hic_-nice. I didn't know-_hic_-that Corellian brandy tasted so-_hic_-good.

Jar-Jar: Errrrrrrrrrr…

Qui-Gon *swaying, sounding hoarse*: Yeah, yeah, the honeymoon was nice…*swings arm around BTSD*

BTSD *panicked*: AH! GET HIM OFF ME, GET HIM OFF ME!

DV *nervously, moving away from Danni*: Yes, um, well, thank you. Um…will someone come get them off the stage?

Danni *as she and Qui-Gon are dragged offstage*: HI MOM, HI DAD! *waves*

BTSD: Um, okay. Now, um, maybe you could introduce the bachelorette, Jar-Jar.

Jar-Jar: Um, hey, meesa knowsa da bache-bache-bache-

DV: Bachelorette. Ladies and gentlemen, she's come from the far reaches of space and time to join us here tonight. Please applaud our bachelorette, Queen Padme Amidala!

*Amidala walks onstage; audience cheers, men whistle*

Amidala: Thank you.

DV: And now, will our bachelors please enter! Bachelor One!

*Young Obi-Wan walks onstage, behind curtain splitting him from Amidala; loud thud as all females with any sense hit the floor*

Obi-Wan *using Force to change his voice*: Hello, my Queen.

Amidala: My, my. You remind me of my cousin's husband. *fans herself*

DV: Bachelor Two!

*(Older) Anakin Skywalker walks out; females just recovering from Obi-Wan hit the deck again*

Anakin *also using Force*: Hello, darling. You're going to marry me.

Amidala: Well, well, well. I certainly picked the right day to appear.

DV: And finally…Bachelor Three!

*Luke walks out; females recuperating from Anakin stare in disgust*

Luke *forgetting to use the Force*: What, no thud?

Amidala *frowning*: Do I know you?

Luke *hurriedly, remembering Force*: Err, no.

Amidala: Obviously not. That voice…mm.

*Titters run through the crowd; females rethink their opinion of Luke*

Jar-Jar: Um, now yousa goin to ask da questions, oky-day?

Amidala: Who the heck picked you to be the host? Um, anyway. Bachelor Number One, do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the galaxy?

Obi-Wan *bowing slightly, as the audience can see him*: Whatever you say, my Queen.

*THUD*

Amidala *picking herself up off the ground; panting slightly*: Um, well, err, yes, um…oh my, when is the commercial break?

BTSD: As soon as you finish the first set of questions.

Amidala: Ah. Well, Number Two, if you were a naïve nine-year-old slave, would you ask me if I were an angel?

Anakin: Um, yes.

Amidala: Urgh, I hate it when people ask me that. Number Three, do you enjoy swamps?

DV: Hey, wait, that's not the ques-

*DV stops as Amidala says "Sh!" and then smiles flirtatiously at him, mouthing "Meet me backstage."*

Amidala: Three?

Luke: Yes, actually. I didn't see a lot of water as I was growing up, so I love swamps.

Amidala: Perfect! Well, that's it. Can we have our commercial break?

Jar-Jar: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm…*looks at BTSD*

BTSD: Yeah, fine. Hey! *yelling at Ad Person*

*Ad person walks onstage; contestants, host, DV exit*

Ad Person: Well, now everyone needs to go see Harry Potter!

Audience member I: Is there anything else?

*Ad Person starts running through the audience yelling "Crucio!" while people dive aside*

*BACKSTAGE…*

Amidala *surrounded by handmaidens*: You know what? I think Three is going to win.

Sabe: Erm, why?

Amidala: Well, he wasn't brainwashed like One, and Two sounded like a jerk…now hold on, I told that guy with the Deep Voice that I'd meet him…

*BACKSTAGE, with the Bachelors…*

Anakin: Hey, Luke! You're married!

Luke *glumly*: Actually, Mara left me for Corran.

Obi-Wan: Really? You mean I don't get a namesake?

Luke: Huh?

Obi-Wan: And you accused Danni of not keeping up with EU?

Luke: Well, this is not official EU, is it? It's a thirteen-year-old girl's demented brainchild-

Obi-Wan and Anakin *slapping hands on Luke's mouth, looking horrified*: SH! No one's allowed to know that!

Luke *prying hands away from mouth*: Okay, okay.

Obi-Wan: Anyway, why are you here?

Luke: I'm getting back at Mara, of course.

Obi-Wan: Revenge? Aren't you always preaching against that?

*BTSD come over; Luke is making "slit-throat" gestures at Obi-Wan*

BTSD: Two minutes, people.

*ON STAGE…*

Ad Person *bending over still audience member*: I'm sorry! I didn't know Avada Kedavra actually worked!

Audience member II: Hey! You killed my auntie!

Ad Person: Oh, terribly sorry about that!

DV: And now, back to the-

Ad Person: Wait, wait, the ambulance hasn't left yet…

DV *sighing, ambulance sirens in the background*: Are they gone?

Ad Person: Yep! *runs offstage*

DV: Anyway, welcome back to the Galactic Dating Game!

*Amidala and bachelors file back in, Jar-Jar sits in seat*

Jar-Jar: Whoa, meesa get to talk now! Well, weesa back for the final ques-ques-ques-ques-

Amidala: Questions, you incompetent child.

Jar-Jar: Hey, meesa no kiddy-widdy. Oh, looksa, meesa seein' a three-headed dog! *wanders away*

Amidala *snorting*: Uh, yeah. Question 2 for Bachelor One. If the galaxy was coming to an end today, would you still go on a date for me or would you go and save everyone?

Obi-Wan: I'd go save everyone, my Queen. 

Amidala: I figured as much. You're a stereotypical hero.

Obi-Wan *faking Arnold Schwazzenager voice*: What? I don't know what you mean.

Amidala: You're using a fake voice?

Obi-Wan: Yah, we all are. My Queen.

Amidala: Oh. Well, anyway, Two, should you be the most powerful Jedi?

Anakin: Of course! One day I'll be the most powerful Jedi ever!

Amidala: Ani?

Anakin: Amidala?

Amidala: Yes…well, that was a long time ago. You're out of the running.

Anakin *wounded voice*: Yes, well, I understand.

Amidala: Anyway, Three, will you take me on a date? Would you mind marrying me?

Obi-Wan and Anakin: Now that's just sick!

Luke: Why? Um, yes, I will.

OW&A: Um, no, that's illegal.

*Curtains pull back, Amidala realizes that she's going out with her son*

Amidala: EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Luke: What? I think I took a shower this morning…

Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…

Amidala *walking out with Luke; muttering*: I can't believe I'm doing this…

DV: Tune in next week for The Galactic Dating Game, Episode V: The Ex Strikes Back. G'night, everyone!


	5. Episode V: The Ex Strikes Back

C-3PO: Thank heavens I'm back.

*Audience cheers*

C-3PO: Yes, thank you very much for your support during these past two weeks. Anyway, where did the teleprompter go?

BTSD: We got rid of it while Jar-Jar was here; he wasn't using it anyway.

C-3PO: Can you bring it back?

BTSD: Sure, if you want to put the DV out of a job.

C-3PO *miffed*: Well excuse me. I am the host.

BTSD: True…you don't mind, do you DV?

DV: Thank God I'm outta here!

BTSD: I'll take that as a no. Bring in the teleprompter!

*Stage hands lug big box onto stage, attach it to cables, and haul it onto the ceiling*

C-3PO: Much better. Now then, welcome to the Galactic Dating Game, Episode 5: The Ex Strikes Back. Before we begin with today's contestants, let's welcome last week's winners: Amidala and Luke Skywalker! *shudders*

*Amidala comes onstage along with…*

C-3PO: Master Kenobi?

Amidala: That's Amidala Kenobi, thank you. *giggles* *to Obi-Wan* Right, sweetie?

Obi-Wan *looking at his new wife with goo-goo eyes*: Whatever you say, my Queen.

Amidala: I love subordinate men.

Chicks in Audience: NOT FAIR! I WANTED TO MARRY OBI-WAN!!!!

*All the girls look at each other; begin yelling*

CIA: HE'S MINE!

Men in Audience: CATFIGHT!! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!

Security Officer: ORDER! STOP FIGHTING RIGHT NOW!

Amidala *crowing*: Too late, suckers. He's all mine now.

*Amidala sweeps off stage, Obi-Wan following like a puppy*

C-3PO *taken aback*: Err, yes. Well, once our audience has calmed down-

CIA *fingering blasters, glaring at each other*: We're fine now.

C-3PO *muttering*: Yeah, right. *louder* Now I'll introduce our lovely bachelorette for this evening, Mirax Terrik!

Male Audience Member: Isn't it Mirax Terrik Horn?

Mirax *walking onstage and sitting down; scowling*: It was until Corran ran off with Mara.

MAM: Ah.

C-3PO: Err, yes. Well, let's bring out our disguised bachelors! Bachelor number one!

*Tycho Celchu walks onstage and is handed voice scrambler, as all the bachelors will be*

Tycho: Hello, my dear.

Mirax: Hello to you.

C-3PO: Bachelor Two!

*Bror Jace walks onstage*

Bror: I always knew Corran was a jerk at heart.

Mirax *smiling diabolically*: He will pay.

C-3PO: Err, yes. Um, and finally, Bachelor Number Three!

*Pash Cracken walks onstage*

Pash: Um, hello.

Mirax: And hello to you as well.

C-3PO: Well, now we can begin! Ask away, Mirax!

Mirax: Here I go…*picks up cards and reads them* Oh, forget these. Bachelor One, do you think Corran Horn is a jerk?

Tycho: Um, well, he did save my life, but, I, um, err, well, I guess just running off makes him a um, err, jerk.

Mirax: Yes or no?

Tycho *small voice*: I'm not sure, my lady.

MAM: YOU TREAT MY DAUGHTER WITH RESPECT, YOU HEAR?!

Mirax *exasperated*: Daddy, I'm fine.

Booster: Okay, sugar.

Mirax: What have I said about calling me names in public? For crying out loud, I'm not four anymore.

Booster: To me, you'll always be daddy's wittle giwl.

Mirax: DAD.

Booster: Okay.

Mirax: Anyway, Bachelor Two, have you ever outflown Corran Horn?

Bror: Yessum.

Mirax: Huh?

Bror: Yes ma'am.

Mirax: Oh, cool. What's up with the 'Yessum'?

Bror: It's dialect.

Mirax: Ah. Well, Bachelor Three, what do you think of Corran Horn?

Pash: Well, actually, I think he's quite a jerk to leave a gorgeous woman like you stranded with two children.

Mirax *flattered*: Why, how nice.

Pash: You're welcome.

Mirax: Are you married?  
  


Pash: I don't think so, if I am, I've never heard of her.

Mirax *smiling diabolically again*: Ah. *To C-3PO* Well, that's the first set of questions. Happy now?  
  


C-3PO *official*: Those weren't the questions on the cards.

Mirax: Who cares? I need some stim-caf. NOW.

C-3PO *frightened*: Okay, okay.

Mirax *smiling sweetly*: Good.

*Bachelors, C-3PO, and Mirax exit stage; Ad Person comes onstage*

AP: Well, it's that time of the show again. Um, what to advertise this time…

Audience Member: Please, nothing involving Harry Potter. PLEASE.

AP: Well, okay. *thinks* Oh, wait, has everybody seen LOTR?

Audience: LOTR?

AP *groaning*: Don't tell me you don't know what LOTR stands for! *waits; Audience shakes heads* Lord Of The Rings, duh! *pulls out sword* Here, see, I kind of borrowed this off the set where they filmed it. I think it's Sting. *considers sword* I wonder if it works…*starts into audience*

Security Officer: Yes, well, sir, I have to ask you to give me that sword.

AP *clutching Sting*: NO! My preciousssss, my precioussssss…*strokes sword*

Security Officer: Um, sir, are you okay?

AP *muttering*: My preciousssssss, my preciousssssss…

Security Officer: Sir, I must ask you to give me that sword. NOW.

*AP looks from Sting to blaster on SO's belt*

AP: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! *runs toward SO with Sting pointed at SO*

SO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! 

*Backstage…*

Mirax: Ah, how relaxing this is. Children, which bachelor do you prefer?

*Valin and sister (A/N: Jysella? Sorry I don't know) confer*

Valin: We'll take number Three, please. I don't how I'm going to live with Dad after this.

Jysella: Who cares?

Mirax: Too bad I lost full custody rights to you both. I'm afraid to let Corran get his dirty hands on you. *smiles diabolically*

*Other Backstage…*

Tycho: It's a shame, because I really am still one of Corran's friends.

Bror: I never could stand him.

Pash: Unfortunately, the author of this knows so little about me, I must keep my opinion secret.

Bror: You're going to win, you know.

Pash *shrugging*: The only problem is the two kids, but they're both going to be Jedi like their father, so…

Tycho: The kids aren't that bad….

BTSD: One minute, people.

*Onstage…*

AP *staring in horror at SO's remains*: What possessed me to do that? *tries to get rid of Sting* But I just can't do it! *strokes Sting* My preciousssssss…  
  


*Everyone files back onstage and stares at the blood in horror*

Mirax: What happened?

AP: It's possessed me! I can't get rid of it! My preciousssssss, my preciousssssss…

C-3PO: Err, um, err…*turns to BTSD* What do we do?

BTSD: Cleaning droids! Come clean up the mess! IG-88, remove the sword from Mr. Ad Person's possession!

AP: NO! Not a powerful assassin droid! Don't! *sobs as IG-88 takes Sting away and melts it down*

*IG-88 drags sobbing AP offstage*

C-3PO: Err, yes. Well…welcome back! I hope you enjoyed the commercials…um…yes, well, it's, um, time for Mirax to ask the final three questions and choose her date! So, ask away! *shakes head*

Mirax *unsettled*: Yes, well, One, um, what do you think of these recent events?

Tycho: Well, terrorism really is very bad. It's horrible that people feel the need to hurt others instead of attempting to negotiate things peacefully. As for my greatest wish? That would be harsher punishments for terrorists, Stan. *smiles* And world peace.

Mirax: Um, okay…I was talking about what just happened onstage, but I'll just take your answer and smile and nod…Two, do you hate Corran Horn's guts?

Bror: Whatever you say.

Mirax: Three, if I asked you to marry me, what would you say?

Pash: Sure.

Mirax: That settles it! 

C-3PO: Have you made your decision?

Mirax: I choose Bachelor Three, you idiot!

*Curtains draw back, contestants see each other.*

Mirax: Pash? Well, that works…*stands up and accepts Pash's hand* Ciao, y'all! *blows audience a kiss and runs offstage with Pash in tow*

C-3PO *taken aback*: Yes. Well then. Tune in next week folks for Episode Six of the Galactic Dating Game: Return of the Jedi! Literally! G'night! 


End file.
